The X Factor 2013 live blog: third live show (2024)

And that’s the end of X Factor for another week. Next week we’ll have to struggle on without Miss Dynamix, but at least that pregnant girl now gets to project all her disappointment and resentment onto her unborn baby, so that’s something.

As ever, thanks for reading and commenting. You lot really are the best. I’m on Twitter, you know, as @StuHeritage. Don’t forget to come back next week for Disco Night, which will be fun because oh god X Factor isn’t even trying any more is it. Bye!

Hardly anyone claps. Nobody wins tonight. Apart from the hankie manufacturing industry, obviously. They're all like 'KERCHING' tonight. Anyway, what a shame. I quite liked Miss Dynamix. Gary urges them to stick together. They look wholly unconvinced by this proposition.

They're crying now, obviously. The whole stage is awash with tears. Nicole has put Hannah though, because she's her act. Gary has put Miss Dynamix through, because they're her act. Sharon, for once, actually chooses to send someone home – and that's Miss Dynamix. So Miss Dynamix are out, then.

And here's Miss Dynamix. I can't tell what they're singing because they're being enormously atonal tonight. Or at least the pregnant one is - the other two are actually singing really well. But they know they're going, because they're exchanging supportive glances and rubbing each others' backs. It's actually quite touching. But none of them are cry-singing. This is because they are grown ups.

Hannah's singing first - even though Miss Dynamix have already had a full day to prepare for this - and she's singing an Emeli Sande song. This is a smart move, because approximately 95% of X Factor is soundtracked by Emeli Sande songs, so the judges will equate her performance with their own salaries and keep her in.

Hannah's cry-singing by the way. Like that's news.

Also, have you thought about what this is going to do to Hannah's tear ducts? St Jude's already going to flood the entire country tonight. I can't help feeling that you're just exacerbating the problem by making Hannah sad.

Sam Callahan, though. He's going to be singing a disco song next week, you idiots. A disco song. Sam Callahan. Just imagine what that's going to be like. You people are morons.

Right, so it's Hannah (who everyone loves) or Miss Dynamix (who run the very real risk of splattering amniotic fluid over one of Nicole's nice dresses). GOODBYE MISS DYNAMIX.

And Sam's through. Ugh. Sam, for god's sake. That's terrible news. People are terrible. You're terrible. I hate you.

Sam Bailey's though, too. And Kingsland Road. So it's either Hannah or Sam Callahan in the sing-off.

Luke, too. And Tamera. And Nicholas. Louis just responded to that last one by going "Wooooooo. Woo woo woo woo woooooooooo." Never leave, Louis.

Also through: Abi. She responds to this news by shaking and crying. You know, just for a change.

So. The first act through to next week is Rough Copy. Good for them. Those incontinence pants of theirs live to see another week.

Righto. We're back. Time to find out who'll get through to next week because they're going to beat Miss Dynamix at the sing-off.

There was just a co*ke advert featuring It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones. I very briefly thought "Ah, this is proper music". X Factor, what have you DONE to me?

Dermot just compared the sight of Lady Gaga hugging Sharon Osbourne to Kramer v Kramer. This is easily the most highbrow thing to have happened on X Factor since Two Shoes did a medley of We Are The Cheeky Girls (Touch My Bum) and Division of Profit Into Interest and Profit of Enterprise, Interest Bearing Capital from Volume III ofDas Kapital.

Lady Gaga is now spouting off about why she performed two songs tonight. Apparently it was to display her diversity as a writer. NOTE: Both of the songs she performed sounded identical.

Lady Gaga's performance continued:

* Lady Gaga playing a piano, then standing on a piano, then wiping her genitals up and down on a piano.

* Lady Gaga shouting something after the music stops.

* Lady Gaga looking a bit tired.

This concludes Lady Gaga's performance.

So, the Lady Gaga performance in full:

* Some girls in shell bikinis.

* Lady Gaga holding an acoustic guitar.

* Lady Gaga making a noise that makes her sound as if she'd falling down a well.

* Lady Gaga saying the word 'Penis'.

* Lady Gaga linedancing.

* Lady Gaga singing "When you touch me, I die", which makes me think that she might be going out with either a bear or a poisonous spider.

* Lady Gaga taking her wig off, crawling around in her pants and being unable to say the word "Want" without sounding like a toddler having a tantrum in Tesco.

Now for the weekend’s biggest performance. It’s Lady Gaga and her new single! Remember when Lady Gaga was on X Factor last time, and she crawled around inside a giant bathtub like a big soggy spider? How on Earth is she going to top that? My guess? She’s going to dress as a sweetcorny poo and bob up and down in an almighty toilet. You can do it, Lady Gaga! I believe in you!

Very interesting about Tamera's revisionist recap, though, isn't it? Isn't it? I think the producers want her to win, and they spent most of last night beating Gary Barlow across the face and torso until he agreed that she was adequate. Let's see if he instinctively flinches when he hears her name. That'll be all the proof we need.

Ooh, a yoghurt ad. It's just like 2010.

The song's over (it wasn't a very good song, by the way) and only the piano one is allowed to talk to Dermot. Just putting this out there - the piano one from The Wanted is a tyrannical despot and he must be stopped. I have a feeling that the X Factor production team knew this too, because they've deliberately flooded the studio with enough thick smoke to easily fell at least one fifth of a disappointing boyband. Thanks for acting on our behalf, guys!

Oh, hang on. One of The Wanted is playing a piano. And he's on his own. And he's demonstrating especially poor microphone technique. What's happened? Has he sacked the other members of The Wanted? Has he eaten them? That's quite dark. What's ITV doing broadcasting footage of a cannibalistic murderer? This is an outrage. An OUTRA-

Oh, no, there are the others. They might as well have been eaten, though, because all they're doing is standing as still as they can and shouting vowels to accompany the piano one. I don't trust the piano one. I find his eyebrows suspicious.

Now the moment that about six people have been infinitesimally excited about. It’s The Wanted, everyone! Remember The Wanted. They’re the East 17 to One Direction’s Take That; the Robin Hood: Men In Tights to One Direction’s Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves. And now they’re back. Please adjust your excitement levels accordingly.

Other people sang things, the judges responded. Look, I wrote about all this. Why can't you just read that instead? Why? Why do you keep putting me through this?

Oh, the recap cut out all the negative comments from the judges about Tamera's performance last night. INTERESTING.

Oh, Abi's version of Moon River. I'd forgotten about that too. Which is a shame, because one day I might decide to die of carbon monoxide poisoning and I'd presumably need a soundtrack for that.

And now for the interminable recap. Rough Copy did a Bryan Adams song. I forgot that they did that. Sam Callahan did a U2 song, and I forgot that he did that too. And I have to know this stuff for a living. Either last night's episode of X Factor was an especially dreary one, or I'm quite bad at my job. I'm not going to rule either out, to be honest.

GROUP SONG TIME. They're doing a Bruno Mars song tonight, and everyone is dressed in either red, white or black. They're what The White Stripes would be like if The White Stripes had several singers who only performed Bruno Mars songs and were genuinely insufferable.

Oh, that was cruel of me. They're all very energetic, which makes me think they've been necking too much taurine. They'll have trouble sleeping tonight, mark my words.

Oi, who wants to meet the judges?

NICOLE: Wearing black because Lou Reed died.
SHARON:Wearing black because Lou Reed died.

GARY:Wearing black because Lou Reed died.

LOUIS: Wearing a sort of turquoisey-grey thing because he doesn't know the meaning of the word respect.

Although, there was just a backstage clip of Louis Walsh pulling a perfect Dot Cotton face. I'd be totally happy if the next hour was just a slowed-down loop of nothing but that, to be honest.

Last night: singing, Thor 2, crying Abi and absolutely nothing else. That's not even an exaggeration. X Factor was a bit poo last night.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, Operation Let Miss Dynamix Down Gently is GO.

I'm aware that I'm possibly the only person watching it, but Surprise Surprise is BRUTAL tonight. I am fully expecting to dissolve into floods of tears if Dermot O'Leary punches his cow with even the vaguest hint of emotion.

Oh god, I've just had a thought. Given today's sad news, what if tonight's group song is a commemorative cover version of Venus In Furs? I can't work out if that'd be brilliant or terrible. Couldn't it be both?

Oh, hello again. You came back. And you managed to put your clocks back properly and everything. I am impressed. To celebrate, let’s all spend an hour watching the X Factor results show together.

And what a show it will be. We’ll have recaps galore! And adverts! And then some more recaps! And a song by The Wanted, who apparently still exist! And, in a huge world exclusive, Lady Gaga will walk onstage dressed up as a bear or an egg or an exploded carrot or whatever and perform a song that’s nowhere near as clever or profound as she thinks it is. Hooray!

Of course, the main reason you’re watching tonight is to see if Miss Dynamix get sent home or not. They lost the Flash Vote last night, and the fact that one of them might give birth before Christmas has got the judges and producers in a state of perpetually fizzing dread, so they’re obviously favourites to go. But who knows, little Abi Alton might lose the public vote. Or Sam Callahan, who’s doing his darndest to come off as the world’s most insufferable berk. I’d vote either of those two off way before I got rid of Miss Dynamix.

Anyway, the show starts at 8pm. I’ll liveblog up here, you comment down here and the only storm we'll concern ourselves with is Storm Lee. Deal? Good. See you back here in half an hour.

And there we have it. Two hours of X Factor at the movies. I don’t know about you, but I found the best way to deal with it was by treating it like a real night out at the cinema; which is to say that I spilled popcorn everywhere, talked and texted throughout and deliberately slashed the seats of my own sofa.

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting. You are all magnificent. If you want to follow me on Twitter, I’m @StuHeritage. And even if you don’t, I’ll be back here tomorrow at 8pm for the exciting results show where the guest performers will be Lady Gaga (OOH!) and The Wanted (oh). If that’s not worth putting your clocks back for, nothing is. BYE.

Yup, Miss Dynamix. Well, that's that. But a Flash Vote loser hasn't actually been eliminated this series yet, so it's not all over yet. You could say that this Flash Vote thing is an entirely useless format point and a massive waste of television, in fact.

Either a boy or a group will be in the sing-off tomorrow, then. And it won't be a boy, because they're all through. I think Miss Dynamix might be done for, you know.

The next safe category is...

The overs. So Sam Bailey, then. Just Sam Bailey.

OK. Let's get this over with. The first entirely safe category tonight is...

The girls. Even Abi. Abi is a girl, right? Goodness. Well done her, then.

Time for the results of that Flash Vote that nobody has expressed a single shred of interest in. Ready? no, of course you're not.

Two minutes and forty seconds of the Flash Vote next. I think this means that Dermot O'Leary is about to do his SPEED INTERVIEWS. This is the best part. "Sam, did you do well?" "Dunno".

Woah woah woah woah WOAH. I'd usually recap this bit, but Sam Callahan just said "I was born to do the thing I love, so I'm going to die doing the thing I love". I have a few issues with this.

1) Does this mean that Sam Callahan loves singing insipid versions of mediocre songs? Really?

2) Imagine being born to sing five songs on the telly before getting eliminated. That's no life, is it?

3) Is Sam going to die? Actually die? Imminently?

4) Because if he is, and he's going to die while singing on the telly, perhaps the most humane thing for the producers to do would be to save his life by forcibly removing him from the show.

5) On the other hand, perhaps he just meant 'be eliminated from X Factor' when he said 'die'. In which case, get some perspective you catastrophic numpty.

There's a recap now, which might very well have been inserted just to drive Abi even closer to the brink of a full-scale nervous breakdown. You're on your own with this one.

Hey, guess what? The Flash Vote's open! Let's all settle in for twenty three full minutes of nothing. We can do it. I believe in us.

Oh, wait. The judges didn't like it as much as I expected. It was like Stars In Their Eyes, they said. There was no connection or soul. This means that I agree with Gary Barlow about something. I've never felt so depressed.

Look, Tamera's on last. She's singing a power ballad that allows her to yell "WAAEAEEEAAARGH!" solidly over the last minute of the song. She's standing on a piano – which, by the way, isn't a plinth Tamera, you're not fooling anybody. The whole thing is like a box-ticking exercise to make people who watch X Factor like her.

Tamera's singing Listen by Beyonce. Again, she's standing in front of a video of explosions, but this time it makes her look like a regenerating Doctor Who. I don't suggest that Tamera Foster ever becomes Doctor Who, though. Every episode would be about her getting stroppy at tabloids. It'd be crap.

Now for Tamera, who I’m starting to feel sorry for. Every week, the papers accuse her of something unsavoury. So far we’ve had shoplifting, infidelity and train-based assault. What’ll it be next? I bet she occasionally litters. She looks the sort.

In the VT, Tamera says "When I was little, I wanted to be Beyonce". When she was LITTLE. I really do hate all people who are younger than me.

Oh. Britain's Got Talent applications are open. So if you're an eccentric act who has previously appeared on at least three other European versions of Britain's Got Talent and have a holding contract with Syco, time to fill those entry forms in!

Hey, it's the Google "What is Glossophobia?" advert. Does anyone know the word to describe an irrational fear of annoyingly ubiquitous Google adverts?

Backstage again. This time Caroline is talking to Tamera (who is a picture of confidence) and Abi (who is quivering and juddering like she's just been forced to watch The Exorcist on her own in a haunted castle at 3am). That is all that happens backstage. It looks like a riot.

Gary praises Luke for coming such a long way. He's now at 'grim mediocrity'. Let's have a parade for him.

Luke’s singing Kiss From A Rose. From the look of it, he got to close to the rose and ended up with compost all over his head. Because his hair looks quite dirty, you see.

Anyway, this is much more stripped back compared to last week. There are no boats tonight; just Luke and a guitar and a shirt that Jason Manford rejected for being too flat-out ugly even for him. I have no idea what the video behind him is, though. It's a stately home, I think, with rose petals and shards of glass flying about inside it. It looks like the loading screen from a mid-1990s PC roleplaying game about a murder in the twenties. I'm trying to make that sound as pejorative as I can.

It’s time for Luke Friend. “Who’s Luke Friend?” you ask. “The one with hair that looks like congealed werewolf bandages” I say. “The one who looks like the world’s most neglectful Medusa?” you ask. “Yes, the one with hair that looks like your granddad’s legs right before he had the gangrene amputated out of them” I reply. Now we all know who Luke Friend is.

The judges were positive about the performance. Then one of Kingsland Road addressed the audience directly, calling us "You guys", and all the good work was instantly undone.

Because it's Movie Night, Kingsland Road are singing Pretty Woman from that famous Julia Roberts film, Sleeping With The Enemy.

They're singing it on a lighting gantry, too. Hopefully because the Phantom of the Opera is backstage with violence on his mind. There was a lot of talk of passion in the Kingsland Road VT. This has manifested it by one of the band singing the lyrics with far too much energy and all the others going "OOHEEEOOHEEOOH" like a smoke alarm factory in the immediate aftermath of a nuclear meltdown. Marks out of ten? Six.

Kingsland Road now. They have their work cut out for them this week. They were in the sing-off on Sunday, which suggests that the public don’t like them very much. Someone should really try and work out what’s so off-putting about those obnoxious, preposterously-haired technicolour hipster boyband clowns.

We! Are! Back! Dermot's in the audience, talking to Little Mix because they're contractually obliged to still pretend to be interested in X Factor. I know how they feel.

All the adverts are about phones this year. I remember when it was all yoghurt around these parts.

More ads. We've got to get as many ads in as possible tonight, because there's an EXCITING FLASH VOTE coming up and we all need to conserve our energy for it.

Massive, massive cheer for Sam, though. Huge. She's got the SuBo vote all locked up. Based on the reaction she just got from the audience, Sam could actually win this. Which means that next week (when they tell her that she's not really a contemporary recording artist) is going to be extra awkward. And they definitely will because, if she did win, it'd probably kill X Factor dead on the spot. So let's give her this week, shall we?

You know how I'd describe this song? I'd describe it as a performance of My Heart Will Go On. Because that's what it is. You've seen a million of these from a million people before now, and they're all unstoppably dull, so I'm not going to say anything about. Please take this time to clean your toenails out with a fork or whatever.

Sam’s doing My Heart Will Go On, because she’s got Movie Night confused with Tediously Obvious Song Choice Night. Poor old her, eh?

And now for Sam Bailey. For anyone keeping count, we are one week away from hearing that she’s not a contemporary recording artist. That’s one week away. Mark your diaries.

This week, we get to see lots of old footage of Sam working on cruise ships. As a singer. Not as a prison officer. She didn't work on a floating prison. I resent you for even thinking that.

My favourite piece of faux-criticism that Miss Dynamix received today came from Louis. "You spend too much time on Twitter", he said. This clearly means I would be utterly dreadful at X Factor. I know what Quora is, too. I'd never even make Bootcamp.

More ads now, which gives me a chance to say something I didn't have time to get to earlier. There was a backstage bit where Sam Callahan explicitly said that he deserves to stay on X Factor because he's so pretty. HE IS SAMANTHA BRICKING US, EVERYONE. The boy is SHAMELESS.

As is traditional for a Miss Dynamix performance, all the judges are currently trying as politely as they can to get them voted out because they're secretly worried that they'll blow the final by falling over and spraying afterbirth everywhere.

Tonight Miss Dynamix are singing Dreams. I don’t know what film it’s from. Nor do you. We should all be fired. OH GOD BE CAREFUL ON THOSE STAIRS. This is a bit of a nondescript rendition of OH CHRIST SHE'S ON A PLINTH NOW PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP OH BLOODY HELL. Anyway, despite that, I think I'm developing a bit of a soft spot for Miss Dynam- DEAR LORD PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THE KEYCHANGE YOU MIGHT STRAIN SOMETHING OH BLIMEY I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE THE STRESS OF THIS.

And now for Miss Dynamix, AKA the bit in the show where everyone suddenly gets really worried about all the bad things that could happen to the pregnant one. Today’s source of anxiety: what if she opens her mouth for a bit note and accidentally swallows some raw egg?

If she doesn't go tomorrow, we'll have to watch her forlornly gazing at that performance on a Samsung tablet in next week's VT. Nobody wants that.

All the judges have been mean about Abi, even though that was probably her best performance, and now Abi is in floods of tears and I've decided that I like her now. Even though she'll definitely be going home tomorrow. Definitely.

Oh, no, it's just her. Sitting in a chair, accompanied by just an acoustic guitar so that we can all focus on her voice. I'm choosing to focus on the part of her voice that sounds fully terrified and a bit stilted. The other thing I'm choosing to focus on: all the masturbatory faces that the guitar player keeps pulling. They were OBSCENE. There will be GIFs of this, I promise. I think he's just singlehandedly kept Buzzfeed in business for a month.

We're back! And it’s Abi Alton, everyone! I wonder what powerful movie rock song she’ll evaporate into a twee sing-song? Highway To The Danger Zone? Is it Highway To The Danger Zone? It had better be Highway To The Danger Zone.

Oh, she's actually singing Moon River. And to prepare, she got to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's with Nicole. Which makes me think that she's definitely going to perform this while dressed as a horrifically offensive postwar Japanese stereotype.

Adverts now. You've seen adverts before. I won't bother describing them. Although, ooh look, special multivitamins for old people.

"You look like a big boy tonight" says Sharon, easily waltzing away with the Creepiest Thing That Anybody Will Say To A Sixteen-Year-Old Today award. Congratulations, Sharon. Meanwhile, Gary wants him to act his age next week. And yet next week is Disco Week, where everyone gets to celebrate songs that were written and recorded two full decades before Nicholas was even born. Way to go, Gary!

Nicholas is singing In The Arms Of An Angel. A PAEDOPHILE angel, probably. What’s my point? That all angels are definitely paedophiles.

Anyway, Nicholas is quite clearly giving this his all. Even though he's wearing the sort of leather blazer that people who smell of damp houses and go to bootfairs exclusively to sell country music compilation CDs tend to wear.

Now for Nicholas, who I’m convinced only got through last week because Sharon Osbourne kept screaming “PAEDOPHILE!” at a dancer he kissed. Perhaps this will continue this week. Maybe she’ll torch the house of a runner who Nicholas maintained eye contact for slightly too long. Fingers crossed.

In the VT, Nicholas stares into a washing machine and can't understand why it won't work. It's probably because there's a full-size television camera in it, recording his confused facial expressions. He should probably call Dynarod.

"Marks out of ten? Ten" says Louis to Hannah. Bearing in mind that this is a man who routinely awards auditionees a billion percent, I'm taking this as an act of furious criticism.

Meanwhile, Nicole says that Hannah just makes her want to dance. Hannah sang Skyfall. Nobody has ever been able to dance to Skyfall. I'm worried about Nicole.

Hannah’s singing Skyfall. She looks sad about this. Don’t look so sad, Hannah, the sky isn’t ACTUALLY FALLING. Also, she's standing in front of some animated explosion GIFs which, from a certain angle, make her look as if she's farting fire.

This is pretty good, though. I mean, she's basically shouting everything without any trace of nuance, but that's basically Hannah's entire thing. Well done her.

Hannah Barratt now, who seems determined to show the world that she’s capable of smiling. Which is weird. It doesn’t fit. It’s like looking a version of The Scream where the figure’s doing a wobbly thumbs-up.

She's doing that this week by taking Nicole Scherzinger to a branch of Greggs, thereby fulfilling this year's 'Nicole goes to a traditionally lower-rent retail unit and wears a uniform and acts like it's the funniest thing in the world, to the obvious anger of the people who actually have to work there for real'.

There are adverts now. While they're playing, Sam concocts a list of ways he can show more edge next week. So far, this list reads:

* Fire

* Twerking

* Punching a baby onstage

* Maybe like some sunglasses or something.

Sharon's critique of Sam basically involved her going "What film's that from? Reality Bites? What's a Reality Bites?" until the entire world gives up on her. All the other judges said it was rubbish, which I'm taking as vindication of my superior opinions. Sam's not giving up, though. He's promised to come back next week with some edge. You know what that means. A backwards baseball cap, guys!

Now, I feel like this might sound unfair, but Sam Callahan is pretty much what I'd expect Justin Bieber to be like if he had his genitals sanded off in an industrial accident. This is especially dull. The way that Sam starts every line by making a noise like he's trying to sick up his breakfast. The way he gingerly put his foot on the monitor like he was scared it'd lick his ankles. Everything about it was limp.

Sam’s singing All I Want Is You, although he'd probably be just as grateful if you gave him a second facial expression instead.

Time for Sam Callahan now. Sam’s setting out his stall as the fighter of the series. He’s not as talented as the others, but he’s prepared to work harder. And he still isn’t very good. The moral of this? Never try.

In the VT, Sam says "GURR, I PRETTY" a lot and Louis sends him to the premiere of a film called 'TORTOO'. But somehow he ends up at the premiere of Thor 2 instead. Probably for the best.

The judges are speaking. They all like Rough Copy. Especially Nicole, even though she seemed genuinely confused by what she saw and actually said that she didn't really like them that much.

"Great song choice" said Sharon Osbourne, who may as well have just shouted "I AM AN IDIOT! I HAVE NO EARS!" and smacked herself in the brain with a frying pan a lot.

It might just be me, but it sounds like Rough Copy's harmonies are a little bit off. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps it's the fact that the backing track – which sounds like an amateur MIDI file of the Holby City theme tune composed by someone who doesn't know what Holby City is – has just made my ears rupture and squirt spinal fluid all over the place.

Oh, actually Rough Copy are doing Everything I Do. Or, to use its full name, Everything I Do (Is Wear Horrible Kilts A Lot). "Nobody's going to expect this" they said in the VT, even though a) they did a similarly dated pappy ballad last week and b) EVERYONE SINGS THIS EVERY YEAR ON BLINKING X FACTOR.

First to perform are Rough Copy. They know that they've got to do better than last week’s weird Backstreet Boys cover. They have to aim for the stars tonight. You know it. I know it. They’re going to do a 5ive song, aren’t they?

Because this is Movie Night, Rough Copy spend the entire VT screaming about how good Thor 2 is. I'm going out on a limb here, but I'd guess that this is going to happen quite a lot tonight.

You know what? Let’s meet the judges.

GARY: Luke Skywalker

SHARON: C3-PO

NICOLE: Whatever the skinniest red alien from Star Wars is.

LOUIS: All of the Ewoks. All of them.

Here's Dermot, ready to mark Movie Night with an extra special cowpunch. It's special in that it's exactly the same as the one he always does. Never change, Dermot. Never change.

LAST WEEK! One of Miss Dynamix got ill, and we watched her get ill, and then crawl into an ambulance, and then continue to be ill, and pull all sorts of faces that suggested she wasn't entirely comfortable with having a camera jammed into her face when she was feeling that vulnerable.

THIS WEEK: Same old nonsense, obvs.

It’s time! To erase! The music!

Time for this week's simultaneous, independent from Heidi Stephens Strictly Come Dancing liveblog!

A man just said the word 'seven' and everyone cheered. At the word seven. I hate this programme.

Join me next week for anothersimultaneous, independent from Heidi Stephens Strictly Come Dancing liveblog!

Hello everyone, and welcome to this week’s X Factor liveblog. It’s Songs From The Movies Night, where everybody does their best to recreate the moment in 2007 that Jamie Afro performed something from Gummo. Remember Jamie Afro? He was terrible. Hello!

But still, Songs From The Movies remains a perfectly decent theme for X Factor to tackle, especially because every big budget film soundtrack of the last few years has ripped off Inception so comprehensively that I’m pretty sure everyone’s just going to stand around shouting the word ‘BLARM’ over and over again tonight.

We’ll be going into tonight without Shelley Smith. Poor Shelley. She was so hugely unpopular that not even the offer of a full-on tongue-in-mouth kiss from Sharon Osbourne could save her. Which seems unbelievable, really. I mean, Sharon Osbourne. Cor.

Anyway, you know the drill by now. X Factor will start at 8pm. Then I’ll have a series of minor freakouts because I don’t know what anyone is singing or what film it’s from while you lot have much more fun than me in the comments. Then there’ll be a flash vote, and we’ll all feel like our time’s being massively wasted. And then it’ll end. What a wonderful way to spend a Saturday. See you in half an hour.